Just….. Stuff

So today, in Canada on twitter #BellLetsTalk was a common hashtag on a lot of people’s timeline. Mental illness, depression, bi-polar, anxiety, they are all thing more people deal with on a daily basis than we realize.

While I think it is really great that social media is available to help raise awareness, to talk about it, and money is raised for the cause, today is a day I find very hard personally.

Today I am reminded over and over that yes, I tried to commit suicide. And while I am so incredibly fortunate that I didn’t succeed, and that I didn’t damage my body with the copious amounts of pills I took at once….. I have to face that I did set out to do it.

And if you asked me why, what could have made me think life was that bad, I probably would be leery to tell you… But I would if asked. It is not something I will write about here. This is a public blog, and very few people in my life know what happened…. And this is not the place to air it out.

But I do struggle. There are days I want to curl in a ball and cry. There are days I find functioning hard, and there are days that I get mad, angry and want everyone to rot in hell. There are days I blame everyone and everything for shit that I know isn’t their fault.

Then there is the other 99% of the time. I am just so god damned glad to be alive. I am so thankful my stupidity thinking things were so bad, and life wasn’t worth living, didn’t cause me to die.

Today I am reminded I am one of the lucky ones. So many others suffered and weren’t so fortunate. So many people have lost loved ones, because they thought it was the only option they had.

I don’t know if this even makes sense. My heart has been hurting all day, and I just feel overwhelmed with emotions that I know tomorrow will be gone. But today, right now, they are here and real and…. Suck.

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I Lose Stuff….. Sort of

According to me, I lose my shit all the time. According to Kendall (who is right in this case) I put my stuff in stupid places and can never remember where I put them…. Like “losing my pants” and “finding them in the wash machine turned inside out”

So I am constantly complaining I can’t find things. And it’s always my running gear. I take things off, randomly around the house and it’s all downhill from there. Scatterbrained yes I know.

BUT!!! I got organized! At least I want to think I am. I got all my gu and chews together with my KT Tape, and put it on my bookshelf together.

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I put my Handana’s, Sweaty Bands and running beanies together in my Stride Box bag.

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I have my water bag, bladder and reflective vest hung on the door to the laundry room.

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And I actually organized my running clothes into drawers. Granted we know that won’t last too long but right now it’s good. My shoes are in boxes beside my bed, and for right now…. For one day at least I know where ALL my running gear is….

*sigh* give it a week and I am sure I’ll be missing something.

Know when to hold ’em

There’s a song by Kenny Rogers called “The Gambler” that I am sure a lot of you might know. The chorus goes:

You gotta know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sitting at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting
When the dealings done

Today, I folded my cards. I asked a friend if he wanted my bib for this weekends Chilly Chase 15k run, finally admitting to myself that it was not going to, in any way shape or form, happen. And as much as I know it’s the smart thing to do, the right thing to do, a small part of me is sad.

This was going to be my redemption on last years race that I barely finished. I wanted to crush my previous time and run it with friends instead of alone. To be honest I am sure even being sick I could still crush my previous time, but it’s not worth it.

I haven’t been to work all week. I am dizzy, headachy, tired, sore muscles and stomach issues. So why when I can’t go to work should I even contemplate a race?

2014 is going to be my year. I have goals set, and races that are once in a lifetime. I have friends traveling with me to Las Vegas for my birthday half marathon (love you Kendall, Krista and Jacki) and Baker Lake 50k in October. I could push myself, be stupid and never let my body heal, or I can be smart and not fall apart. Not doing this one race is not going to destroy my whole year, or make what’s coming up any less spectacular.

I have had a few people tell me I look unhealthy lately, and one remind me I am not like normal people and need to take care of myself proper. So that’s what I am going to do. There will always be another redemption race. And if not, so be it.

There’s always bigger, better and more epic adventures out there, right?

Moments to Remember for 2013

So as it’s getting to be the end of 2013, I figure I should do a quick picture post of some of my memorable moments…..

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Chilly Chase 15k January 2013 – I was so not prepared for this mentally or physically. It was a 2 hr time limit and I barely made the cut off. The last 200 meters I was done, and standing there was my Aunt Shelley and Sandra, who I had known forever. Sandra yelled at me I was not walking to get my ass moving, and she got out on the course and ran beside me. I finished with less than 4 minutes to spare, but I finished.

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They say a picture is worth 1000 words, but this one is worth so much more. For the first time since I was 17, I weighed under 200 lbs. I wish I could describe the emotions that I experienced but it was overwhelming….

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BMO Half Marathon, my goal race and first ever half. My dearest friend Jared flew up from California to run it with me. My cousin Elaine came down from Ft Nelson and ran it as well. When I crossed the finish line she flew into my arms and gave me the biggest hug ever and we both cried.

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Lower body lift on June 14, 2013. Physically I recovered like a champ. Mentally it was a lot tougher than I thought, but I survived it. And learned a lot about myself.

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My first “Ladies of the Trails” run in North Vancover, and first time meeting Solana. I had no idea how big an impact this was going to make on my life…..

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Kendall and the Coho 14k run. I cannot say enough about how lucky I am to have met her. Kendall came along at a time when I needed her in my life. I guess she’s like my favorite pair of sweats, I’d be lost without her some days 🙂

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5Peaks Buntzen 10k trail race. The first race in my double race weekend, and my first ever trail race.

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Surrey Half Marathon, the second race in my double race weekend. Rocked my half PB by knocking over 22 minutes off my previous race.

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Being able to run in Tina and Melissa at Rubber Ducky Half. Both amazing people that I love so dearly.

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My first runs back post lower body lift with Tina, Bea and Will. Some I even drug my ass up at 4:30 to go on…. They were awesome

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BCMC in 1:27 with Jenn. She pushed me and helped me crush my previous attempt on the Grind. Just awesome

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Emergency surgery due to complications from weight loss surgery. Albeit not a positive experience, and scary as shit…. A lot of positives came out of this. Friends being the biggest.

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My Scoot A Doot shirt!!! I wanted one so bad and the ladies were wonderful and sent me one after surgery. Pure love.

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West Van Run photo shoot (picture compliments of Jennifer Strang) amazing day with amazing people.

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My brother and I back home. Granted it was for a heart wrenching reason, but I am so glad to have spent the time with him.

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Team FOMO Christmas get together at Solana’s. Becoming a part of this group with such amazing people has meant the world.

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Christmas at Kendall’s house *love*

I am also extremely lucky to have met someone this year who has become very dear to my heart. There may be more miles between us than I wish, and a crappy time zone change, but never have I felt judged or less of a person. I can tell this person anything, they know things of my past nobody else does, and understand things that I am not always sure how to explain. I am forever greatful to this person, even when they piss me off, and hope one day I get the chance to hug and thank them for the impact they have had.

Of course there are so many other memories of 2013 I won’t forget, but these are some 🙂

Happy New Years to those I love and care about, friends and family alike. My life is richer having you all in it xoxo

First Run Back

It’s been a month since surgery. So a month of food, sitting on the couch, watching Doctor Who episodes, some crappy TV, sports and not running.

Originally my surgeon said that I had to wait 2 weeks before going back to running when I talked with him at the hospital, but I made the choice to wait 3 weeks. When I saw him at my 2 week follow up, I was still sore and having problems keeping food down, so the decision I made was to wait a month before starting back out running.

I didn’t want to get my butt out of bed to run. As much as I wanted to be out there running, I was lazy, sleepy and quite comfy snuggling with Bella.

Eventually I got up, got dressed, threw on my brand new New Balance 880 shoes compliments of a gift certificate from West Van Run (if you are local to Vancouver and want a run on March 2, check it out!! Would love to see you there) my new sports bra from Victoria Secret and the rest of my gear.

I already had my route planned out, I was going to run 5k around my complex, 3 short laps and 1 long lap, in case I had any problems or couldn’t handle the distance I was close to home. The major downside to this route is that it is not flat, and the incline on the short lap isn’t too bad, but it goes for roughly .4km and I started out too fast. My lungs were burning, but my legs felt good.

I had to stop and walk more than once, which was a bit of a tough pill to swallow, but hey… It was my first run back. I was also worried that my stomach was in pain from where surgery was, and if I was doing damage. And then I realized it was the underwire in my bra…. But it was still a bit of a worry.

My last lap was definitely hard. Both mentally and physically because of the increase in the incline. I walked up a lot more of the hill and kept telling myself it wasn’t that much further. I will admit, each lap, each time I went passed the house I was tempted to quit. To say I couldn’t do any more and give up. But I didn’t, and that is something to be proud of.

My pace was slower, obviously, than what I was running before I got sick. But it was still a good pace when I factor in time off and how much walking I did. I am sure it won’t take me long to get back to longer distances or a quicker pace, but it will come in time.

The biggest thing that has come out of all this is I need to be smart. I need to listen to my body and when I feel something is off go see my Dr. Don’t shrug it off, because there is the chance of this happening again. I know my signs, and thankfully so do my friends so I have them to be accountable to as well.

And the best?? My bib holder Kendall gave me as a Christmas gift. All my 2014 bibs will be going in this and I am going to make the best of my 2014 race season. Set some amazing PB’s, run new and exciting races and push my distance to uncomfortable levels.

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Bib holder
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And of course, we all need to be Powered by Chocolate Milk which is a great post run drink

What’s New Pussycat whoa yeah

“Take it easy, no running, no lifting and rest.” Those were the Dr’s orders. Since I know how well I am at listening to orders, I am very glad to have a ton of people who would kick my ass six ways from Sunday if I didn’t.

But – (of course there’s a but) I have to admit I really overdid it this weekend. I am sore, tender, swollen and have a ton of emotions going through me from other shit that is just making me done. I couldn’t even get off the couch today, my abs doth protest.

What on earth did I do you ask? Well…… Saturday I did the Santa Shuffle Walk for the Salvation Army. It was cold as hell and I am sure I killed a few nerves in my toes, fingers and nose, but it was fun. Krista a fellow runner and friend I have met through twitter arranged a small Secret Santa gift exchange for us as well, and it was great!!

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My Secret Santa got me a beanie!! And some Nuun and a SparklySoul headband. Felt so loved.

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I got these from Krista and I felt so loved 🙂

Originally the plan was to run the 5k, but that was prior to surgery. So my amazing friends Kendall, Molly, Simi and of course Ron all walked the 1k with me. We all agreed less walking was better with how cold it was.

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Ugly Sweaters!!!

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Four Ladies and a Ron (our unofficial team name)

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We all got the cutest medal, and it is by far one of the nicest I have gotten.

Afterwards I drug Ron around shopping because I needed a winter jacket. And with the fact I am not planning on changing size anytime in the next decade I wanted a good one. TOTALLY lucked out and got the most amazing Salomon jacket at 50% off!!! It’s pure love.

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And then there was today….. Oh it started early and Brandi was bitchy. Getting up to throw on running clothes and drive an hour to do a photo shoot in the cold? HELL YES!!

Was it cold? Yep
Did we have fun? Yep
Did I lose my pants and phone? Yep
But don’t worry I found them!!

I met new people, got to hang out with Nikki, Krista, Jacki, Kirill, Alex and Jin as we ran, smiled, complained over the cold, had our pictures taken and then went for breakfast. Most fun I’ve had in a while.

Nikki took a few shots with her phone and here are two of my favorites. (I cannot wait to see the professional ones)

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OMG this is what I look like!?

I missed out on an epic 18k run with Molly, Kendall and Cannon, where apparently someone doesn’t have the abs to pee on the side of the road?? Soon I will be back!! But for now, rest. The short bit I did this weekend wore me out, but it was worth it. And bedsides the shit I need to figure out, one of the best weekends ever.

OF COURSE! it was also Kendall’s birthday and I got all prettied to go for dinner with her. It’s cause I like her that much

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