So today, in Canada on twitter #BellLetsTalk was a common hashtag on a lot of people’s timeline. Mental illness, depression, bi-polar, anxiety, they are all thing more people deal with on a daily basis than we realize.
While I think it is really great that social media is available to help raise awareness, to talk about it, and money is raised for the cause, today is a day I find very hard personally.
Today I am reminded over and over that yes, I tried to commit suicide. And while I am so incredibly fortunate that I didn’t succeed, and that I didn’t damage my body with the copious amounts of pills I took at once….. I have to face that I did set out to do it.
And if you asked me why, what could have made me think life was that bad, I probably would be leery to tell you… But I would if asked. It is not something I will write about here. This is a public blog, and very few people in my life know what happened…. And this is not the place to air it out.
But I do struggle. There are days I want to curl in a ball and cry. There are days I find functioning hard, and there are days that I get mad, angry and want everyone to rot in hell. There are days I blame everyone and everything for shit that I know isn’t their fault.
Then there is the other 99% of the time. I am just so god damned glad to be alive. I am so thankful my stupidity thinking things were so bad, and life wasn’t worth living, didn’t cause me to die.
Today I am reminded I am one of the lucky ones. So many others suffered and weren’t so fortunate. So many people have lost loved ones, because they thought it was the only option they had.
I don’t know if this even makes sense. My heart has been hurting all day, and I just feel overwhelmed with emotions that I know tomorrow will be gone. But today, right now, they are here and real and…. Suck.