Have you ever sat down and wanted to say something to someone, anyone, to be completely honest and upfront over how you are really feeling, and know they are not going to look at you like you are growing a foreign object out of the center of your forehead? To know that they are listening, actually hearing what you have to say, with no predetermined speech forming in their minds on what they think you want to hear? To know that at the end of saying what you need to, that person might just stand up, say nothing at all, but reach over, and hug you? And that in the end, that person still sees you the same way they did before, not as a lesser person?
If you don’t, the I envy you more than you could ever imagine. I don’t know what it is like to have that confidence in yourself, to have that knowledge people see the real you, and accept you for all your short comings. I don’t know what it’s like to be able to honestly say when asked how I am doing that I am having a really shitty day emotionally and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to let people see when I struggle without feeling ashamed and weak, like I am less of a person to them.
I often say to people I have no clue why anyone likes me. Mostly because a lot of the time I don’t always like myself. I look in the mirror and the face that stares back at me is unfamiliar. My eyes are the same shade of blue that they have always been, but my features seem that of a stranger. I don’t know who I am. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do some days, and I wish to hell I could figure it out.
I don’t know how to accept that I am good enough the way I am. I feel that I should be doing more, achieving more, doing something more profound with my life than what I am. I don’t know how to accept that I am just fine being me. Probably because in the background of all this I don’t fully know what being me is all about.
I still struggle with the acceptance that people can like me just the way I am. I always feel that I do or say the wrong things and people don’t really like me. I call it the “fat girl syndrome” because when I was heavier I used to try so hard to be accepted. I feel dumb when I don’t know things that everyone else seems to know, and asking someone when I don’t know what they are talking about makes me feel stupid.
I am used to being a doormat, letting people treat me like crap, take advantage of me, and toss me away when I no longer had any use in their lives. And you know what? It hurts. It hurts to feel that you are useless and unwanted and have no place in someone’s life. It sucks thinking that unless you are always the one giving and giving there’s no relationship with a person. It sucks not feeling comfortable asking someone to help you, or do something because you are afraid they are not going to want to be seen with you. It hurts to think that someone only thinks of me as being good enough to fuck.
I try to hard. I know that. I try to hard and push myself more than I enjoy a lot of times with my running and what races I sign up for. I am too hard on myself at work, when I make mistakes and I do not give myself enough credit that I am capable of making the right decisions when it comes to what I know is right. I cave when I don’t want to, letting others dictate the direction of our friendship. I get mad at myself and cry a lot, because I don’t understand why I can’t see myself as being worth more.
I feel lately that my surroundings are a never ending spiral and I keep twisting and turning, never knowing which way is up. I am struggling to control my eating, some days barely getting in the proper amount of food required to give myself the energy I need. I take things to heart way more than I should, and am not capable of saying to someone “you hurt me. I don’t need you in my life, I deserve better than this.”
I am tired of having what I do, and what I eat criticized. I am sick of coworkers and family saying to me “should you be eating that?” “Wow, that was a pretty big meal you ate, are you sure you should have eaten all that food?” Being under, or at least feeling like I am under scrutiny over what I eat is the worst feeling ever. I hate eating in front of people. I am so self conscious over what I eat and who I eat with that there are times I just choose to not eat because it is the easier option.
I worry constantly that the size I am and my life is a dream that I am going to wake up from any minute. That the person in the mirror, the one I don’t recognize is really a figment of my imagination and all that I have gone through these last years was a dream. There are nights that I want to cry, not knowing how to accept how my life has changed. How I have changed, and how the people around me have changed in how they view me.
I have a hard time understanding how someone can tell me they are inspired by me. Or when someone tells me they are proud of me, I don’t know how to accept it. I always think I am not accomplishing enough, and that so many people out there are so much better at so many things, what is so great about me, inspiring about me? I am just a person who fucked up, gained weight and had to have surgery to help me get it off.
I see myself as a failure because I couldn’t get the weight off without surgery. I once asked a male friend if he thought less of me for having weight loss surgery, and he said no. To this day, I still have a hard time accepting that because I think less of myself for having it. I wish I was strong enough that I could have achieved what I did on my own. I wish I was ok with the path I took, and one day I hope I can find peace with myself for all that I feel I fail at. I hope I can learn to accept that I am ok the way I am, and I don’t need to be anything more or anything less.
I struggle. I don’t let people see it. Writing this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, as will be posting this for others to read. It’s not easy admitting you struggle, or you feel like less of a person for it.