Just….. Stuff

So today, in Canada on twitter #BellLetsTalk was a common hashtag on a lot of people’s timeline. Mental illness, depression, bi-polar, anxiety, they are all thing more people deal with on a daily basis than we realize.

While I think it is really great that social media is available to help raise awareness, to talk about it, and money is raised for the cause, today is a day I find very hard personally.

Today I am reminded over and over that yes, I tried to commit suicide. And while I am so incredibly fortunate that I didn’t succeed, and that I didn’t damage my body with the copious amounts of pills I took at once….. I have to face that I did set out to do it.

And if you asked me why, what could have made me think life was that bad, I probably would be leery to tell you… But I would if asked. It is not something I will write about here. This is a public blog, and very few people in my life know what happened…. And this is not the place to air it out.

But I do struggle. There are days I want to curl in a ball and cry. There are days I find functioning hard, and there are days that I get mad, angry and want everyone to rot in hell. There are days I blame everyone and everything for shit that I know isn’t their fault.

Then there is the other 99% of the time. I am just so god damned glad to be alive. I am so thankful my stupidity thinking things were so bad, and life wasn’t worth living, didn’t cause me to die.

Today I am reminded I am one of the lucky ones. So many others suffered and weren’t so fortunate. So many people have lost loved ones, because they thought it was the only option they had.

I don’t know if this even makes sense. My heart has been hurting all day, and I just feel overwhelmed with emotions that I know tomorrow will be gone. But today, right now, they are here and real and…. Suck.

Learn To Run

So I have never actually been part of a Running Room Clinic before. I have ran with the drop ins on Sunday and Wednesday but that is it. So when I was asked to lead the Learn To Run Group in Burnaby, I didn’t really have any clue what I was doing.

I have approximately 8 girls in my Clinic, they all have different goals but I adore what each of them brings. Some are new to running, some want to lose weight, some just need people to run with.

I was sick on Wednesday and Thursday so I had other people filling in for me. Today when I went back, more than one said “I am so glad you are back, I missed you!” (Apparently they had to run hills while I was gone)

Today was foggy and very icy (one of the runners slipped on the bricks and broke his wrist before the runs even started) so I chose to run along a small trail towards the river. Dual purpose, better traction and no vehicles to worry about.

With the ice, we went slow and did our run 2 minutes walk 1 minute x7 and just enjoyed it. I managed to snap a few pictures and even got a group selfie!!

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It felt so good to be back, and to know that they appreciate me leading their group. And I forewarned them all Wednesday would be hills again, but hey….. We love hills right? 🙂

I Lose Stuff….. Sort of

According to me, I lose my shit all the time. According to Kendall (who is right in this case) I put my stuff in stupid places and can never remember where I put them…. Like “losing my pants” and “finding them in the wash machine turned inside out”

So I am constantly complaining I can’t find things. And it’s always my running gear. I take things off, randomly around the house and it’s all downhill from there. Scatterbrained yes I know.

BUT!!! I got organized! At least I want to think I am. I got all my gu and chews together with my KT Tape, and put it on my bookshelf together.

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I put my Handana’s, Sweaty Bands and running beanies together in my Stride Box bag.

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I have my water bag, bladder and reflective vest hung on the door to the laundry room.

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And I actually organized my running clothes into drawers. Granted we know that won’t last too long but right now it’s good. My shoes are in boxes beside my bed, and for right now…. For one day at least I know where ALL my running gear is….

*sigh* give it a week and I am sure I’ll be missing something.

Know when to hold ’em

There’s a song by Kenny Rogers called “The Gambler” that I am sure a lot of you might know. The chorus goes:

You gotta know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sitting at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting
When the dealings done

Today, I folded my cards. I asked a friend if he wanted my bib for this weekends Chilly Chase 15k run, finally admitting to myself that it was not going to, in any way shape or form, happen. And as much as I know it’s the smart thing to do, the right thing to do, a small part of me is sad.

This was going to be my redemption on last years race that I barely finished. I wanted to crush my previous time and run it with friends instead of alone. To be honest I am sure even being sick I could still crush my previous time, but it’s not worth it.

I haven’t been to work all week. I am dizzy, headachy, tired, sore muscles and stomach issues. So why when I can’t go to work should I even contemplate a race?

2014 is going to be my year. I have goals set, and races that are once in a lifetime. I have friends traveling with me to Las Vegas for my birthday half marathon (love you Kendall, Krista and Jacki) and Baker Lake 50k in October. I could push myself, be stupid and never let my body heal, or I can be smart and not fall apart. Not doing this one race is not going to destroy my whole year, or make what’s coming up any less spectacular.

I have had a few people tell me I look unhealthy lately, and one remind me I am not like normal people and need to take care of myself proper. So that’s what I am going to do. There will always be another redemption race. And if not, so be it.

There’s always bigger, better and more epic adventures out there, right?

2014 to Date

It feels like just yesterday I was getting ready for Christmas…..

Not that I should be getting ready for my rematch with the Chilly Chase 15k run next Sunday….

Or that I am on my 2nd week of teaching the Learn to Run Clinic with the Burnaby Running Room.

I have a month until my first half marathon of 2014, which I am slightly nervous over.

Work is busy, and recently I started training on our new claims system that will be apparently more efficient.

Last night though, I had a great evening. I went running with Krista Nikki, Kirill and Morgan in West Vancouver. Traffic sucked big time trying to get out there, and the weather was cold, but the company made it worthwhile. We got copies is our posters for the West Van Run

We also had CUPCAKES post run. It was Krista’s idea and what a fantastic one it was.

It was nice to have both Krista and Nikki let me set the pace, and get the chance to be out running with them both.

Conversation was great, and it felt good just enjoying a run with no time pressure. Next time though, I hope traffic doesn’t suck!!

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Bucket List

Yes, I have a bucket list. Some things I have slowly started to check off…. And some might never see the light of day.

So thanks to Krista here’s my current bucket list in random order:

1. Pace Bunny a 2:30 half
2. Teach a Running Room Clinic
3. Complete Baker Lake 50k alive and upright
4. Go zip lining
5. Run over every bridge connecting 2 cities in the lower mainland that is safe to run over
6. Become a Half Fanatic
7. Run a half marathon sub 2:15
8. Go to a Duke Blue Devils vs North Carolina TarHeels game at Cameron Stadium (NCAA Basketballl game of course)
9. Visit another continent besides North America
10. Meet Trevor Linden
11. Get my CIP designation
12. Go to Holland and get a pair of wooden shoes

I know some seem completely random but I am sure I have more… These are just the ones I know of. Number 6 would be the most epic, amazing, died and gone to heaven moment ever for me.

FOMO at it’s Finest

FOMO = Fear of Missing Out

I have a massive case of FOMO, to the point I actually have managed to find back door registration links that were not supposed to be live yet, to ensure I was signed up and got the shirt…. And may have caused some slight panic….

But my biggest FOMO is Baker Lake Ultra which registration is open, and thanks to my friend Suzanne, we are both registered and running.

This is a huge goal race for me, my creme de la creme for 2014 and the furthest distance I have even thought of doing.

Scared? Yeppers. Excited? Beyond.
Especially knowing that I have such amazing support in my friends.

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