I have never been one who had a great ability to express myself. I hold a lot in, and always try my best to not discuss what’s bothering me with others. It’s my own issue and yes I am working on it, but it is still part of me.
Before, I would cope with eating. Either binge eating, anything and everything, or not eating at all. The thought of food would make my stomach churn, and I would go a few days without consciously thinking of food or wanting to eat. Toss in surgery and this “coping” method has been removed from my life.
This past Friday, I lost someone who was very important to me. Not only that, but I have a lot of anger, hurt and unsaid forgiveness for stuff that went on within the dynamics of our family. I had made a choice a few months back that next time I went home, I was going to go see him, if he would see me and just say hi, hug him and tell him I loved him. But that won’t happen. Instead the next time I go home will be to stand with my family as we lay him to rest.
Am I coping well? Not really. Friday was a disaster of tears and heartbreak. Saturday the thought of food made me want to vomit, and tears were still there. Yesterday numbness set in, and anger over so much wasted time towards him and myself is creeping in. I haven’t really slept with all the other stuff going on, throw this in and I feel like a train derailed.
Normally, I would toss on my running shoes and go push myself on an angry run that makes me want to throw up and collapse. Push myself so hard that I can’t feel anything other than my heart racing and lungs gasping for air. And right now I can’t even do that which causes more frustration on my part.
I am thankful to those who listened and let me cry. Who offered to help in any way they could and who also let me have my time to absorb things. But it still doesn’t help the hurt I feel inside. And I know I need to figure out how to cope with shit because life happens and this is not healthy