Nonsensical Ramblings

I keep sitting here, trying to think of the words to write, of what to say and how to not sound like an idiot. But what the hell, I am not perfect.

I know I don’t talk a lot about my personal life, and I have mentioned that I underwent weight loss surgery, but I don’t know if I really ever discuss how it’s affected my life.

I struggle with low iron, low energy and of course I suck at proper eating. My protein levels are low, my body doesn’t always absorb what it needs to, and sugar/carbs can make me violently ill. Eating the wrong thing can cause me to vomit or dry heave, which causes my heart to race and my body to break into a sweat.

Because I am an idiot and I don’t fuel my body properly, before 90% of my races I am almost running on empty. Now this is completely controllable but up until now I just sort of shrugged it off and dealt with it.

Reality hit me really hard yesterday. I skipped a run 4 days into November’s Beast Streak Challenge where all I had to do was run 3k a day for the whole month. My body, lacking proper food, proper sleep, proper vitamins and god only knows what else was on barely function mode. I made it through my 9 hour shift at work, got home and just wanted to cry.

I forget sometimes that I need to let my body recover. I do not have the capability of fueling my body as easily as others. I require a multitude of vitamins daily and hover on the border of being anemic, even with my daily iron supplement. And when my body gets run down, I tend to just shrug it off and keep pushing things when instead, I should be smarter and just take that time to recoup.

I still haven’t let myself recover from my dual race in September. I have jumped into training for my next half in February, in which I am trying to sub 2:15 with Kendall. Not only that but add in the November Challenge and being part of a Nike study on gender and injury my days are booking up. I am also working as much OT as I can, not getting proper sleep and finally seeing a chiropractor over longstanding body issues.

I am done. I am worn out, tired and some days feeling that I just don’t know if I can really do all of this. I feel like I am a failure because I haven’t accomplished as much as others and feel like I hold my friends back when we run. I know that this isn’t true but there are days I do have my own pity party.

I just am having one of those weeks where I am personally struggling, people who I miss are far away, and I hate admitting feeling like I do. It’s overwhelming sometimes and I just need to figure things out diet wise, sleep wise and stop beating myself up.

I am also beyond terrified of not achieving the goals I have set for 2014. I lack confidence in my ability, and I need to cut that shit out. Just one of those days.

I know this made no sense so…. Rant over. Thanks for listening and those who read and comment…. I appreciate it xoxo


3 thoughts on “Nonsensical Ramblings

  1. Sometimes a rant is just what you need! It sounds like you know what you need to do. Rest up and give your body a chance to catch up, eat well, and try again tomorrow 🙂 Sending you virtual internet hugs!

  2. Sometimes, getting the words out of you and throwing them into cyber-space or a journal or a friend’s ear, is more therapeutic than ever. I think this is a honest and downright raw post- I love it. I love that you admit you are worn out because of a, b, and c and that you are scared of not reaching your goals or causing further injury. It’s funny how we set standards for ourselves. You wrote you are feeling like a failure b/c you are not doing as much as others…. But there are plenty of people not doing nearly as much as you! IT is all in perspective. Sometimes I feel ‘guilty’ or ‘bad’ if I plan to do a 10 miles run but only end up doing 6 or 8. Since when is doing a 6 mile run a)a bad thing or b)not enough??? Sometimes our own expectations can put so much pressure on ourselves to totally miss the good.

    It sounds like you know your body and you know what not to do/what to do. BE confident in that. Be confident that you are an adult, you are smart, you are hard working, you are an athelete, and you require maintence. Letting your body recover and rest- is OK. We are humans, and unique and require such a wide variety of things. We aren’t machines. Hang in there, you are doing great 😉

  3. This is a very honest post. You need to listen to your body and give it some rest days too. I know that it is especially hard to take a break when seemingly everyone around you is running so much and doing so much, but it is okay to take a rest and gear up for 2014.
    When you are thinking about your 2014 goals don’t get discouraged. I was first introduced to your journey via Solana’s blog spotlight on you and thought it was so amazing how far you have come and the goals you have set and achieved over your journey. I remember coming up to you at the Surrey Half after finished and you were so happy because you set a new PR…it was awesome and inspiring!
    2014 will be no different you have set those goals and you will complete them and you will have lots of friends cheering you on along the way! Cheers!

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