I keep sitting here, trying to think of the words to write, of what to say and how to not sound like an idiot. But what the hell, I am not perfect.
I know I don’t talk a lot about my personal life, and I have mentioned that I underwent weight loss surgery, but I don’t know if I really ever discuss how it’s affected my life.
I struggle with low iron, low energy and of course I suck at proper eating. My protein levels are low, my body doesn’t always absorb what it needs to, and sugar/carbs can make me violently ill. Eating the wrong thing can cause me to vomit or dry heave, which causes my heart to race and my body to break into a sweat.
Because I am an idiot and I don’t fuel my body properly, before 90% of my races I am almost running on empty. Now this is completely controllable but up until now I just sort of shrugged it off and dealt with it.
Reality hit me really hard yesterday. I skipped a run 4 days into November’s Beast Streak Challenge where all I had to do was run 3k a day for the whole month. My body, lacking proper food, proper sleep, proper vitamins and god only knows what else was on barely function mode. I made it through my 9 hour shift at work, got home and just wanted to cry.
I forget sometimes that I need to let my body recover. I do not have the capability of fueling my body as easily as others. I require a multitude of vitamins daily and hover on the border of being anemic, even with my daily iron supplement. And when my body gets run down, I tend to just shrug it off and keep pushing things when instead, I should be smarter and just take that time to recoup.
I still haven’t let myself recover from my dual race in September. I have jumped into training for my next half in February, in which I am trying to sub 2:15 with Kendall. Not only that but add in the November Challenge and being part of a Nike study on gender and injury my days are booking up. I am also working as much OT as I can, not getting proper sleep and finally seeing a chiropractor over longstanding body issues.
I am done. I am worn out, tired and some days feeling that I just don’t know if I can really do all of this. I feel like I am a failure because I haven’t accomplished as much as others and feel like I hold my friends back when we run. I know that this isn’t true but there are days I do have my own pity party.
I just am having one of those weeks where I am personally struggling, people who I miss are far away, and I hate admitting feeling like I do. It’s overwhelming sometimes and I just need to figure things out diet wise, sleep wise and stop beating myself up.
I am also beyond terrified of not achieving the goals I have set for 2014. I lack confidence in my ability, and I need to cut that shit out. Just one of those days.
I know this made no sense so…. Rant over. Thanks for listening and those who read and comment…. I appreciate it xoxo